The romantic ideal, initially anti-institutional and critical of marriage, gradually integrated into the framework of bourgeois marriage, particularly with the rise of love marriages in the 19th century. This ideal, often compared to the absolute and exclusive love for God, emphasizes passion, the 'love at first sight' phenomenon, and even a willingness to suffer for love, as suggested by Denis de Rougemont's link between love and death.

Eva Illouz describes a 'great transformation' in love after the 1960s. Relationships became 'autotelic,' meaning they no longer depended on social groups, family, or morality. This period also saw the rise of 'sexual liberation,' which led to a market-like environment for sexual and romantic encounters, where individuals possess 'sexual capital,' as described by Michel Houellebecq. This era brought a vast increase in potential partners and the emergence of 'sexual and romantic careers'.

The concept of 'choice' is central to understanding modern individuals, extending from democracy to consumerism and feminism (pro-choice). However, Illouz argues that an abundance of choice doesn't necessarily lead to greater freedom; instead, it can devalue options and lead to doubt and paralysis. A study by cognitive psychologists showed that when faced with many options (shelf mode), people are willing to pay less, whereas with unique options (auction mode), they are willing to pay more, illustrating how increased choice can reduce the perceived value of each option.

Dating apps intensify the commodification and increased choice in relationships, transforming the way people choose partners. Before dating apps, choices might have been more akin to an 'auction' mode; now, they resemble a 'shelf' mode, where multiple individuals are in competition. This abundance of choice leads to a 'maximization' strategy (seeking the 'best' option) rather than 'satisfaction' (finding a 'good enough' option), causing confusion and 'information overload.' This rational, information-heavy choice contrasts with the intuitive, irrational nature of falling in love.

The 'disenchantment' of love, a concept borrowed from Max Weber, refers to the difficulty of believing in irrational love myths. This is driven by science (reducing love to biological processes), feminism (deconstructing romantic ideals as patriarchal), and psychology (encouraging over-analysis of emotions). These cultural forces foster 'reflexivity,' making individuals doubt their raw intuitions and constantly question societal myths, including that of grand love. The critique of exclusive relationships by feminist and queer movements further challenges the romantic ideal.

While modern society often promotes self-esteem and autonomy, Illouz argues that self-love is an absurd psychological premise. Sociologically, recognition can only come from others. In modern society, where social status is no longer fixed by birth, there's a chronic deficit of social recognition, leading to a lack of self-confidence. Romantic relationships have thus taken on a new role: providing this essential recognition and sense of self-worth that is lacking in other areas of life.

Modern love presents a paradox: relationships offer an indispensable source of recognition, yet societal values of autonomy, rational choice, and freedom often clash with the surrender involved in falling in love. The speaker acknowledges the progress made through greater freedom in relationships (e.g., leaving unhappy partnerships) but also laments the potential downsides of extreme freedom, such as the 'Tinder' effect. Illouz emphasizes the need for a collective discussion on new ethical codes in relationships to acknowledge vulnerability and prevent suffering, while rejecting the 'aestheticization of suffering' and instead advocating for 'happy love' based on recognizing others as equals.