How women TRAIN men to be ANGRY: don't reward what you don't want

Dr. Orion Tarban introduces the topic of how women inadvertently train men to be angry, noting the irony given that most women find male anger terrifying. He states that while men bear some responsibility for allowing this, understanding this dynamic can significantly reduce relationship conflict.

Dr. Tarban shares a personal story about a past long-term relationship where he, a seemingly exceptional communicator, struggled to get his partner to understand or act on his concerns. Despite repeated calm and patient attempts using various communication strategies, his words had no lasting impact.

After numerous unsuccessful attempts, Dr. Tarban snapped and yelled, which finally prompted his partner to listen and change her behavior. This realization led him to end the relationship, as he understood that staying would force him to become an angry, aggressive man to be heard, leading to an undesirable future for both.

Most men try many non-aggressive communication methods before resorting to anger. Women inadvertently train men to be angry by ignoring, disrespecting, or invalidating their non-aggressive communication attempts. This process is deemed counterproductive for relationship health.

If a man consistently feels unheard, there are three main outcomes: he escalates to anger and aggression, he collapses internally to cope with invalidation, or he leaves the relationship. Escalation to anger is often the first attempt for men, who are socially expected to fight for what matters to them, including their relationships.

Men face a double bind: protect the relationship by fighting, which means fighting their partner, or not fight and lose the relationship. Dr. Tarban advises women against unnecessarily placing men in such double binds as it leads to unfavorable outcomes, either a defeated partner or being alone.

Women should quickly rectify problematic behavior or disagree respectfully to avoid making their partners feel invalidated. Taking respectful requests seriously is crucial, as men's patience is not indefinite. For men, if a woman refuses to respect boundaries or reasonable requests, the best action is to leave the relationship gracefully rather than becoming an angry husk of their former selves.