Summary
Highlights
Shawna grew up in Detroit, Michigan, with both parents. She describes her early childhood as comfortable and diverse due to being biracial. However, in middle school, her family's life took a downturn as drugs, particularly opiates, affected her parents, leading to a fractured family dynamic. She emphasizes that there was no serious abuse, only discipline.
After graduating high school, Shawna worked in fast food and retail. Due to increasing social anxiety, she became a dancer in 2019, a job she found enjoyable and helped pay bills despite its downsides, like an unhealthy environment and unpredictable income. She admits to recreational drug use (coke, ecstasy, molly) during that period but never developed an addiction, contrasting it with her family's struggles. She finds shrooms to be a helpful 'medicine' for self-reflection and spiritual growth, enabling her to process childhood trauma.
Shawna realized her intense emotions were more than just sensitivity in high school. At 18, a psychiatrist diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder. She struggles with taking medication like Trintellix, feeling it makes her condition 'real' and abnormal, preferring to cope on her own. She experiences anxiety, depression, and anger, often feeling a constant struggle with her mental state.
Shawna's instability is a major issue, describing rapid and aggressive mood swings triggered by small things. She recounts an extreme incident with her boyfriend where she 'blacked out' during an argument, screaming and throwing things, which led to police involvement. She also shared an earlier episode of running away from home at 4 AM to her grandmother's house due to frustration and anger.
Shawna traces the worsening of her anxiety to moving at 11 years old to a new, less diverse environment where she felt out of place. Her parents were emotionally unavailable, leaving her to cope with this difficult transition alone. She believes her maternal grandmother, who experienced severe depression and anxiety, passed down these traits, noting her mother also has moments of depression but not to the same extent.
Shawna often feels different and struggles to maintain friendships and relationships, attributing it to self-sabotage. She describes an 'evil voice' that prevents her from being happy and motivated. She expresses fear of not achieving her goals, not finding herself, and the escalating thoughts of self-harm, recalling a past suicide attempt. Social media exacerbates these feelings, making her feel inadequate, leading her to take breaks from it.
Shawna feels her mental health is blocking her from success and her desire to take care of loved ones. She suspects her Borderline Personality Disorder actively prevents her from seeking medical help, as her mind tells her this is how she's meant to be. Despite the overwhelming negativity, she finds solace in small joys and tries to have good days, though they are fleeting and easily disrupted. She is working on coping mechanisms, acknowledging that healing is a long and difficult process, and hopes for a future where she can find lasting happiness.