Dead is dead: euphemism and the power of words

Phyllis Sommer opens by stating that language matters, particularly in conveying truth, honesty, and reality. She defines euphemism as a mild or indirect word used to substitute for something harsh or unpleasant. Sommer then shares her personal experience, where her six-year-old son, Sam, was diagnosed with leukemia, leading her to encounter many euphemistic phrases.

After Sam's death, Sommer was confronted with a new set of euphemisms like 'passed away' or 'lost a child.' She finds these phrases frustrating, explaining that 'lost' implies a misplaced item rather than a permanent absence, and 'passed away' downplays the painful reality of death. She highlights the widespread use of 'passed away' in obituaries, suggesting a societal fear of the word 'dead'.

Sommer discusses how society's discomfort with death leads to the use of euphemisms. She likens it to an ancient belief that talking about something brings it closer, suggesting that people still subconsciously avoid direct language around death. She points out the difficulty in explaining death logically and rationally, leading to the adoption of euphemistic phrases to cope with the mystery.

As a rabbi, Sommer had used euphemisms for years but never understood their true impact until her own son's death, especially on her youngest child, Solomon. She explains that Solomon's understanding of death was shaped by 'The Lion King' and video games, where characters 'come back to life,' leading to confusion about Sam's permanent absence. Euphemisms like 'he's not here' or 'he's gone' caused Solomon to believe Sam could return or be contacted.

Sommer connects the use of euphemisms in personal grief to their broader use in politics and everyday life, such as 'let go' for 'fired' or 'collateral damage' for 'casualties of war.' She emphasizes that death remains at the top of topics people avoid discussing directly. She also touches on how common phrases like 'my phone died' can further confuse children, as they see phones being revived with charging, leading them to ask if Sam could also be 'plugged in' to come back.

Sommer concludes by advocating for direct, truthful language. She asserts that 'dead' is 'dead' and that avoiding this word only compounds the difficulty of processing grief. She believes that using clear and respectful terms about death can help normalize it and remove taboos, ultimately making it easier to heal. She argues that sugar-coating death with euphemisms can increase fear and mystery, hindering the healing process.