Summary
Highlights
Vanessa Van Edwards introduces the idea that highly successful people speak a hidden language of cues, focusing on warmth and competence. She discusses how these cues impact first impressions and how learning to control them can improve various aspects of life.
Edwards explains that 82% of first impressions are based on warmth and competence. She discusses how improving communication skills is essential for success in relationships, career, and overall confidence. Her research is based on helping people improve their communication skills through actionable frameworks.
Cues are broken down into four channels: body language, vocal cues, verbal cues (word choice), and ornaments (clothing, accessories). The importance of understanding what the words we use signal is also highlighted, explaining how carefully chosen words can influence how others perceive and treat you.
The conversation emphasizes the necessity of people skills for success in all areas of life. Muting cues can lead to mistrust and missed opportunities. Vanessa shares an example of Jamie Siminoff from Ring, who had a billion-dollar idea but failed to convey it effectively due to poor cue management.
The discussion shifts to the significance of understanding one's resting face and how it influences perceptions. Tips are given on how to counteract a negative resting face by consciously adjusting facial muscles. Common mistakes in profile pictures, such as showing too much of the whites of the eyes (signaling anxiety) or using an inauthentic smile, are also explored.
Hand gestures are emphasized as crucial for conveying competence and honesty. Research shows a correlation between the number of gestures used in TED Talks and their virality. It's explained that gestures help outline ideas, emphasize points, and engage the audience.
The importance of understanding proxemic zones (public, social, personal, intimate) is discussed. Maintaining an appropriate distance during video calls and in-person interactions is crucial for signaling the right cues. Loud bars facilitate relationships because of unintentional intrusion into personal intimate zones.
Charisma is defined as a combination of high warmth and high competence. High competence without warmth can make people suspicious, while excess warmth can undermine competence. Specific power cues for competence (like the steeple hand gesture) and warmth cues (like the triple nod) are discussed in detail.
The five power cues are explained, including the steeple hand gesture, the distance between the earlobe and shoulder, eye contact at the end of sentences, the lower lid flex, and using a downward inflection.
The five warmth cues are discussed, from the triple nod (with caution against bobbleheading), the head tilt and all the way through non-verbal bridges. The importance of signalling what kind of greeting you want (handshake or hug) is discussed.
Even those who feel they 'hate everyone' can benefit from specific strategies, such as leveling up conversations and showing genuine interest in others. The importance of uncovering and understanding your own, and others, emotional narrative is discussed.
Three magic questions for ability are offered to help others broadcast more clearly, including: 1. I was just thinking of you, 2. You're always so..., and 3. Last time we talked, you mentioned...
Research has shown that it we sit within 25 ft of a low performer, your performance decreases by 30%. Additionally, it has been researched that humans can smell fear as fear sweat triggers a resposne in the recipient.
It's proven that someone is more likely to get approached at clubs if they had the biggest signal of availability. Availability includes open body (no blocking), and making small darting glances to everyone.
Practical steps for improving social skills are offered, including breaking conversational autopilot. The discussion shifts to societal changes, with the observation that AirPods are killing friendship by reducing micro connections. The conversation encourages being purposeful in movement.
The conversation acknowledges that humans are statistically bad at spotting lies, although one should be on the look out for vocal clues: Question inflection, and sudden drop in volume. With non-verbal clues this includes incongruencies like 'Yes' with a headshake, and mismatched facial expressions including disgust.
To conclude stop competing on stages where you can't be your best, and then create rooms where you can excercise. Always focus on breaking auto-pilot and asking better questions, and making sure everyone is aware of their power.