Summary
Highlights
Lori Gottlieb discusses that people struggle with change because they attempt steps that are too large. She emphasizes that change is a process requiring small, manageable steps, unlike the typical, short-lived New Year's resolutions. She also introduces the concept of distinct stages in the change process.
Gottlieb outlines the five stages of change: precontemplation (unaware of needing change), contemplation (considering change, often leading to therapy), preparation (taking initial steps), action (making the change), and maintenance (sustaining the change over time). She highlights that maintenance is often overlooked as the final and most crucial stage.
The maintenance stage is compared to playing 'shoots and ladders,' acknowledging that mistakes and setbacks are normal as new habits form. The unfamiliarity of new behaviors can be scary, and it takes time for them to become familiar. She uses the example of healthy eating and the potential for relapses due to emotional responses.
Gottlieb argues that self-flagellation (being overly harsh on oneself) is unhelpful and unsustainable. Instead, she advocates for self-compassion combined with accountability. She illustrates this with a parent-child analogy: instead of criticizing, one should understand the cause of setbacks and collaboratively plan for future success. Self-compassion, she explains, actually enables greater accountability.
Self-compassion also involves finding alternative, positive coping mechanisms or 'treats' that align with the desired change. The maintenance phase is a period of experimentation to discover what works individually. The goal is for the new, positive behavior to become habitual and familiar, while the old, undesired behavior becomes unfamiliar and less appealing. Dr. Huberman also notes that the time it takes to make a change varies greatly, contradicting popular notions of fixed durations, and emphasizing the intensity and consequences involved.