(Recommended) How to Really Become an Adult

Psychologically immature people exhibit strong dependency, frequently blame others when their needs are unmet, and avoid taking responsibility. They also tend to talk excessively out of anxiety, often boasting or criticizing others. Such individuals may also display excessive kindness, which often stems from a distorted desire for validation and can lead to resentment when not reciprocated. Their self-esteem is heavily influenced by others' perceptions, rather than internal self-acceptance.

According to Dr. Lee Dong-sik, psychological immaturity and unhappiness often stem from unresolved core emotional complexes. These largely fall into two categories: love deficit (lack of parental affection in childhood) and love excess (being overly indulged). Both lead to dependency, albeit through different paths. Love deficit results in an inferiority complex and reliance on external validation, while love excess can lead to an addiction to praise. Overcoming this dependency, Dr. Lee emphasizes, requires self-acceptance and establishing a strong sense of self-identity.

Dr. Lee Dong-sik advocates for reducing dependency and restoring self-reliance. This involves accepting oneself completely, including perceived flaws, and not letting external opinions dictate self-worth. Genuine psychological health, he argues, is rooted in self-love and self-respect, making an individual impervious to external praise or criticism. A truly self-reliant person takes responsibility for their actions, knows when to give up on impossible tasks, and persistently pursues what they can achieve.

Dr. Lee explains the journey using the Buddhist concept of '탐진치' (greed, anger, ignorance). 'Greed' is the desire for love, 'anger' is the rage from not receiving it, and 'ignorance' is the unawareness of these underlying emotions. This cycle often begins in childhood parental relationships. The healing process involves several stages:

This is the most severe stage, characterized by emotional repression. Individuals close off their emotional 'faucet,' unable to feel most emotions, both good and bad. They live with underlying sadness and anxiety, simply burying their feelings.

In this stage, accumulated anger and resentment are projected onto others (friends, colleagues, partners), excluding the actual source of the pain: parents. This phenomenon, called transference in psychology, means past emotions are felt towards present individuals. This often leads to further problems as the recipient of the anger is not the cause and cannot resolve the underlying issue. Progress to the next stage occurs if the individual finds someone empathetic or seeks professional help.

Here, individuals release some anger and realize that their resentment (anger) originated from their desire for love (greed). Acknowledging the deep-seated desire for parental love, which was unfulfilled, causes a thawing of emotional blockages. Transference decreases, and emotions towards parents, a mix of resentment and longing, are expressed. This involves expressing feelings like hurt and sadness directly, understanding that such expressions won't lead to abandonment.

Positive relationship experiences build trust and self-confidence. Individuals learn that expressing emotions is safe and that relationships can be fulfilling. However, Dr. Lee and the Dalai Lama point out that true healing requires contentment with small things and avoiding excessive attachment. Overly focusing on negative aspects or unmet desires, despite receiving much, hinders progress at this stage. While Western psychology often considers this the endpoint of therapy, Eastern thought delves deeper.

This stage, rooted in the Buddhist concept of 'Hoonseup' (cultivation), involves being aware of one's thoughts and actions and preventing negative patterns from becoming ingrained habits. It means recognizing the desire for love and the anger from its absence, and consciously choosing not to be controlled by these emotions. It involves a continuous practice of self-awareness and detaching from dependent thoughts, fostering acceptance of others as they are, rather than demanding they conform to an idealized image.

Figures like Dharma Master Beopnyun, Dr. Lee Dong-sik, Buddha, Laozi, and Zhuangzi are considered to be in this stage. They are individuals who transcend personal desires and focus on alleviating the suffering of others, spreading wisdom, and helping people understand the 'matrix' of pain and pleasure. Dr. Lee advises against rushing this process of healing and enlightenment, comparing it to nurturing a tree slowly and naturally. While reaching such a stage might seem impossible for many, even the awareness of these processes can help temper intense emotions in relationships, making life more manageable and enjoyable.