Summary
Highlights
When someone triggers us, we often descend to the 'lower centers' of our brain, leading to a reactive state. This state blinds us to the real needs of children and prevents us from seeing calls for help, making us blame others. This is a common human response unless we consciously choose to regulate ourselves and 'pause'.
The first step in active calming is to 'be a star' by taking a slow, deep breath. This isn't a quick gasp but a deliberate, extended inhale and exhale, which helps to pull you slightly out of the intense lower-brain state. This action is designed to slow down your physiological response.
After the initial breath, you might experience internal chatter, often negative and self-defeating. Instead of letting this chatter make you 'crazier,' overlay it with positive affirmations like "I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle this." Repeating these phrases helps to elevate you further towards a more rational state, though you'll still be precariously balanced.
To solidify your calm state, the final step is to 'wish well.' This involves taking another breath, shifting your focus to your heart, softening your face, and genuinely wishing wellness for the other person or situation. This action causes your pupils to dilate, which unconsciously signals safety to others, promoting a more positive interaction and allowing you to respond with wisdom rather than impulse.
Once individuals learn to manage their own upset using these steps, the next goal is to teach these skills to children. However, the speaker acknowledges that even with knowledge of the technique, there will be times when one is unwilling or unable to apply it immediately, and that's okay. The key is to eventually choose to employ the method when ready.