Summary
Highlights
Sexton defines a happy marriage as one where couples choose to be together and genuinely like each other, even valuing each other's company above others. It involves noticing small things, staying present, and seeing a partner's flaws and loving them anyway.
Sexton firmly rejects the concept of soulmates, calling it 'bizarre' and 'toxic'. He argues that believing there's only one perfect person among billions leads to unrealistic expectations and constant craving for something better, instead of working on the relationship with the flawed human being one married.
Being a child of divorce doesn't automatically 'muck you up', according to Sexton, who is a divorced father himself. He stresses that prolonged parental conflict is the real detriment to children. The key is for parents to manage their co-parenting relationship effectively, separating their past marital issues from their roles as parents.
James Sexton explains that while factors like adultery and financial issues are often cited, the underlying cause of divorce is disconnection. These 'big things' are merely symptoms of a slow, gradual distancing between partners, much like going bankrupt: 'very, very slowly and then all at once'.
Sexton defines a prenup as a 'before marriage agreement' that governs finances in a marriage. He argues that everyone essentially has a prenup, whether it's one created by law or by the couple. He likens it to wearing a seatbelt, not out of distrust, but as a precautionary measure given the 56% divorce rate in the US.
The lawyer discusses the ambiguity of cheating in divorce – is it a cause or a symptom of a failing relationship? He notes that cheating is present in a significant majority of divorces (around 75-80%) and highlights the differing perspectives men and women have when infidelity is discovered.
Sexton states that there's no fixed cost for divorce. It heavily depends on the level of dispute between the parties, particularly concerning finances and children. He illustrates that some clients with substantial wealth might spend a fortune on seemingly minor issues, while others cannot afford to argue over much.
Alimony, or spousal maintenance, aims to help the less financially capable spouse regain their earning capacity. While acknowledging its fairness in supporting rehabilitation and addressing diminished lifetime earning capacity, Sexton also points out that arguments against it often arise when one party perceives the other as having a lavish, unsubsidised lifestyle.
Sexton shares extreme prenup clauses he's encountered, including one docking alimony for every 10 pounds a woman gained, and others dictating sex frequency or even facial hair styles. He notes that many unusual clauses, like infidelity clauses, are often unenforceable due to difficulties in proof.
Approximately 70% of divorces are filed by women, a statistic often misused to demonise women. Sexton clarifies that women often file out of necessity, such as after a husband abandons the family and stops providing support, requiring legal action to secure child support or maintain the home.
Sexton notes that while the 'heartbreak' of divorce is universal, there are slight differences. He observes that lesbian divorces can be more emotionally brutal, and gay male divorces sometimes involve more assets due to fewer children and therefore fewer associated expenses.
Sexton believes men cheat more often, but women 'cheat better' meaning they are more adept at concealing it. He distinguishes between a 'dalliance' (a casual sexual encounter) and a full-blown 'affair'. He highlights the contrasting reactions of men (focus on the physical act) and women (focus on emotional connection) when discovering infidelity.
Initially dismissive of weddings, Sexton now sees their value in creating lasting family memories. He recounts a poignant story about his late mother at his wedding, illustrating how these events gather loved ones and provide cherished photographs and experiences, serving as a celebration of family and connection.
Despite his profession, Sexton regards love as the most important thing. He describes it as the foundation of human existence, 'what made us', encompassing all the wonderful, terrifying, confusing, and misleading aspects of being human. He concludes by stating that love is the 'eternal game' and the 'greatest thing'.