Summary
Highlights
The host clarifies that 'being too nice' is not empathy, benevolence, or being a good person. Instead, it's a trauma response—a compulsion to be agreeable to others, stemming from an internalized belief that prioritizing one's needs or saying 'no' will lead to rejection or abandonment. This mechanism protects against perceived danger, but ultimately builds resentment.
Mariam emphasizes that no human can constantly say 'yes,' have endless resources for others, or always be present. She uses the analogy of a robot or computer needing to recharge, highlighting that as humans, we also need to replenish our energy and set boundaries. Being 'too nice' is a survival mechanism, not a sign of inner goodness.
The host shares her personal experience with being excessively agreeable and the struggle to recognize it as a flaw. She explains that being 'too nice' reveals a deep need for validation and approval from others, giving them immense power over you. This excessive politeness is not genuine benevolence.
A crucial question posed is whether you want to be appreciated or respected. The host advocates for respect, clarifying that this doesn't mean becoming mean or harsh. The goal is to find a balance—a 'center'—where you are true to your values and empathy while also honoring your needs and setting boundaries. People who are 'too nice' often explode and swing to the opposite extreme.
The speaker identifies three types of people who might tell you to remain 'too nice': those who misunderstand the definition of excessive niceness, those who benefit from your excessive niceness, and those who are triggered by your change because it holds a mirror to their own tendencies. To change your image, you must detach from the need for excessive validation.
To become more charismatic and confident, you need to analyze the image you project, both verbally and non-verbally. This includes assessing excessive apologies, constantly saying 'thank you' (which can signal a feeling of unworthiness), and your posture. Adopting 'power poses,' as discussed by Amy Cuddy, can significantly influence your internal state and how others perceive you.
The episode concludes by reiterating that it's okay to be uncomfortable for others, to not always smile, apologize, or say 'thank you.' It's okay to take up space and be yourself. Your past traumas might make you believe it's dangerous to be inconvenient to others, but genuine love and acceptance come from being your true self, not from playing a role. Real connections are formed with authentic, imperfect individuals.
Mariam Gaderi, a coach for entrepreneurs, introduces the podcast episode focusing on why it's crucial to stop being 'too nice' to become more charismatic, confident, and assertive in social, professional, and personal situations. She also encourages listeners to subscribe and leave reviews if they find the content helpful.